The Loco World Group Men’s Club (An organization, not a blunt instrument for beating on males), has intercepted a communication of great importance to all its members. Loco’s crack team of technology experts hacked into the WIBCN, the Women’s Inter-Bathroom Communications Network; a system of communication devices installed in women’s washrooms, all over the world, that look like feminine hygiene product dispensers. By hacking the WIBCN, we now have a comprehensive list of the previously unpublished “Points List” all men in a relationship with a woman are subject to.
 For the enlightenment of all mankind and a world-wide scoop, here are the pieces of the Point System we managed to intercept.
• Kissing her forehead. +5
• Kissing her lips. +10
• Kissing her butt. +25
• Kissing her plane ticket for her trip home to visit her mother. -100
• Telling her she has taste. +10
• Telling her she is funny. +10
• Telling her she tastes funny. -100
• Coming home with beer. -10
• Coming home with flowers. +10
• Coming home with flowers meant for someone else. -100
• Doing the weeding. +25
• Doing weed. -100
• Caressing her. +25
• Groping her. -25
• Not knowing the difference between caressing and groping. -100
• Complimenting the meal she cooked. +10
• Taking her to a fancy restaurant. +25
• Cooking something special for her. +50
• Forgetting it was your turn to cook. -50
• Taking her to a fancy restaurant after admitting you forgot to cook. 0
• Giving her a foot rub. +50
• Giving her a back rub. +50
• Giving her a Dutch Rub. (AKA ‘noogie” )-50
• Giving her a Dutch Oven. (AKA sticking her head under the blankets after passing cabbage soup and beer gas.) -500
• Complimenting her appearance. +50
• Criticizing her appearance. -5000
• Criticizing her better-looking sister’s appearance. +50
• Complimenting her better-looking sister’s appearance. -5000
• Giving her some slack. +10
• Giving her a snack. +25
• Giving her a smack. -1,000,000
• Being behind her for support in all her endeavors in life. +50
• Being behind her for protection during the “Paintball Experience” bonding weekend. -100
• Smother her with love. +50
• Smother her with chocolate. +75
• Smother her with a pillow.- 25 to life.
• Remembering to put the toilet seat down. +5
• Forgetting to put the toilet seat down and she has to touch the icky seat with her hand. -25
• Forgetting to put the seat down and she goes to the bathroom at night leaving the light off so it doesn’t hurt her eyes and she doesn’t notice the seat is up and she falls in and her bum touches the gross toilet water. -2000
Important Points About Points
1. Points can be wiped out at any time through a unilateral decision by the woman. There is no appeal process. If you tell her you do not know why you lost points, you will lose points for not knowing. At that point, it doesn’t really matter as the transgression would have burned up any points you had anyway.
2. The shelf-life of positive points is brief and is capped at 95 points. Negative points last a lifetime, have no numerical cap and grows at a far greater percentage than any stock market investment.
3. Points are non-refundable, non-returnable, non-transferable and have no cash value.
4. If you have taken pleasure in any activity, even if it is with her, it removes any possibility of accruing points. Points are a measure of sacrifice and suffering.
5. If you develop a points program for her, she will not try to earn points. She will probably laugh at it.
So what’s the point of it all? As often quoted in this space: Happy Wife = Happy Life.