As I'm sure we all know, mothers have a keen knack at this particular pass-time. For her convenience, I drafted this letter for my mom just before a recent back-packing trip with my brother.
For your convenience, I would like to outline for you my itinerary for this coming weekend so that you are fully prepared and do not need to worry about when you should be worrying.
My portion of the trip will commence at 6am on Friday morning. While it's not life-threatening by any stretch, you can begin to worry that I'll wake up on time, at 5:30am. That would be helpful. At the beginning of my trip, I'll be stopping to grab coffee. Perhaps you should worry about the hotness of the coffee, or that I might spill it.
I'll hit the highway very shortly thereafter, coffee still in hand (yes, I have a death wish). You should probably worry about my breakneck speeds and the fact that I'll be hurtling down the road, barely awake.
At approximately 10am Mountain (do note the time difference so that you're not worrying at the wrong time) I'll be entering the Parks area. This means that my speed will slow slightly, but don't rest easy yet! There will inevitably be a much larger risk of animals present on the roads. This should in fact cause your worry to increase, because who actually drives 70km/h through the parks?
Soon enough, I'll need to stop for gas. Here is a convenient, but non-exhaustive list of things you may want to worry about:
• My beater car has broken down on the road
• I've fallen asleep while driving
• I've swerved to miss a deer and run myself off the road
• My debit cards don't work
• I get jumped at the pump
• I get in a fight with a Russian mobster when I innocently look askance at his girlfriend while pumping my gas
• I get abducted by aliens
In the highly unlikely scenario that I get out of Jasper alive, I'll proceed towards Mt Robson. It will be nothing short of a miracle if I arrive there safely, as planned for 10am Pacific (again, note the time change).
My brother will be leaving his place at approximately 6:30 am Pacific. I'm sure he'll have dropped off his dog either the night before or that morning. In either case, she will try to convince you that she is in fact worrying on your behalf. This is just a trick. Worry.
He's got the shorter trip but has a much windier road. With his little roller-skate car, it should navigate these twists and turns with ease, but there are always reasons to worry. Don't let this lull you into a false sense of security.
If all goes according to plan (like that ever happens) he'll be arriving to Mt Robson roughly the same time as me, 10am Pacific.
Now that we have both arrived, this is not the time to lessen your amount of worry. In fact, since both of your biological children are in the same place, it is now imperative that you re-double your worrying efforts. In fact, we'll be leaving the shelter / deathtrap that was our vehicle, and will now be embarking on a hiking trip for three days where the most protection we'll experience is in the form of a 4-pound tent.
Despite the easy start and the popularity of the trail, you will want to continue to worry. After all, the biggest threat to human beings is other human beings. The kinds of people who use this trail on a regular basis are active, outdoorsy and generally very friendly (translation: they're fit enough to attack and easily get away, they know how to survive life on the lam, and they may just snap at any moment.) This, of course, is cause for concern.
In terms of the actual difficulty of the trail, while my brother and I are young, fit and strong, we are no match for mountains, which have been known to spontaneously move and crush passers-by. It will be pure chance if we make it to our destination alive. I trust, therefore, that you will worry incessantly between 10am on Friday and 4pm on Sunday, Pacific time, of course.
While we will try to minimize being crushed by mountains, we will still have to escape the wild animals, sharp jagged cliffs, potentially parasitic waters and, of course, Sasquatch. You may want to bring in a team of worriers to address all of these. That is really the only sensible course of action.
In the unlikely event that I make it home after this ordeal on Sunday evening, I will be sure to call you as soon as I arrive, barring of course that I don't get mobbed by burglars as I return home.
Please send my regards to the rest of the family, as I will likely never see them again.
All my love,
And, mother's response:
Despite the fact that you have included quite a comprehensive list of worry details, I have thought of more.
Last night I saw a show on the dangers of Moose, it was on the animal channel and surprisingly had a few spots in there about Prince George BC, and an attack on a fellow up at Forest For the World. Please be careful of these overly aggressive animals that I had previously not worried too much about.
You have also failed to mention what will happen in a full on Zombie attack. I assume you have a plan with a back-up plan?? I will need that in writing.
The coffee is starting to freak me out, make sure you get a java jacket.
other articlesThe Ultimate Conspiracy Theory
Pink Shirts in the Laundry
How to accept gifts
Rise to the occasion
Sick n’Tired of Being Sick n’ Tired
How to be exited about your life
A Better Experience of Life
You have no clue how much people care for you
The Discipline of Weight Loss
Impending Diplomatic Incident
That Next Step Could Be A Duesie!
I Received Some Bad News Recently
A & Q
5 Easy Steps To Motivation
Odd Man Out